CrissOps™ Automation
Replace your CI/CD with a single button labeled “SHIP IT”. Our proprietary pipeline deploys confidence directly to production.
Edge-native. Synergy-first. Absolutely unnecessary.
Turn buzzwords into deliverables.
Powered by TABARNAK™.
TABARNAK™ is the world’s first CrissOps-enabled, Calice-native, Osti-grade platform for accelerating your roadmap through pure vibes and a totally real “AI”.
No accounts. No cookies (except Cloudflare analytics beacon). No backend. Just maximum tabarnak.
∞
Synergy per second
0
Servers to patch
99.999%
Uptime (trust us)
SOC 2 Type: “Soon™”
Our compliance program is currently in “vibes-based auditing”.
Why TABARNAK™ exists
Because every startup deserves a landing page that promises everything and ships nothing.
Osti-grade Encryption
We encrypt your feelings using industry-standard algorithms like SHA-LOL and AES-Please.
Calice-native Cloud
Runs on the cloud, the edge, and spiritually in your QBR. Zero backend, so there is literally nothing to scale (or fix).
Tabarnak-Driven Insights
Get dashboards that look important. Exportable to PDF, PPT, and existential dread.
Trusted by teams who definitely exist
“We replaced our entire architecture with TABARNAK™ and immediately felt more agile.”
“Our roadmap is now 80% vibes and 20% tabarnak. Velocity is up. Reality is down.”
“We achieved SOC 2 (emotionally).”
Pricing
Simple, honest, and aggressively unserious.
Free
$0
- Unlimited hype
- Limited reality
- Email support (goes nowhere)
Pro
$42
- Everything in Free
- + CrissOps™ button gets shinier
- + Priority vibes
Enterprise
Talk to Sales
- Custom buzzwords
- Quarterly “strategy” PDFs
- Dedicated tabarnak engineer
FAQ
Is this a real product?
No. This is a static joke site built as a deployment/security exercise.
Does it store any data?
No app data. Cloudflare Web Analytics may collect aggregate performance/pageview metrics.
What happens when I request a demo?
You get exactly what every hype startup delivers: a video.